Logan Ury Hinge’s Relationship Scientist speaks on Modern Wisdom Podcast 457 about dating and her new book “How to not die alone”.
Key Takeaways
- People often think that looks and money are the most important things to consider when looking for a partner, but research shows that these are not as important in the long run.
- The key to making a decision is to set a high bar, but be satisfied once you find what you are looking for. It is also important to consider your attachment style and the story you are telling with your profile when online dating.
- Questions in your dating apps profiles and variety in photos can help you find the right partner.
- Lastly, it is important to give potential partners a second look as they may be a slow burn.
Highlights
People don't want to choose a restaurant or choose a hotel without doing tons of research, which is fine. However, it's not fine when you are choosing among thousands of potential partners. Some things that matter less than people think they do are things like looks and money. Yes, attractive people are great and rich people are great, but whatever you have you adapt to over time, and so the feeling of being wealthy is something that you get used to and it doesn't impact your life as much as you think. There's been amazing research done by Barry Schwartz, and he has a great book called "The Paradox of Choice" where he talks about two different ways of making decisions. Maximizing is when you believe that you want to turn over every stone, you want to do all the research, and you want to keep looking and looking until you find the perfect solution. Satisficing is saying, "I'm going to set a bar, and maybe that bar is really high, but once I achieve what I was looking for with that bar, I'm going to be excited about it and stop looking." We do this activity called the relationship audit, and people have a lot of resistance to it. They don't necessarily enjoy it, but you basically say, "Who are the people I've dated, why did it end, what was good about this relationship, what was bad, and what side of me did they bring out?" The maximizers believe that they are getting the objective best result because of their research, whereas the satisficer is the one who's actually happy because, in the end, it's not about making the right decision, it's about how you feel about your decision. The maximizers are never satisfied, and the satisficer is able to say, "I got what I wanted, and I feel good about it." Maximizers always keep swiping, thinking their perfect person is one swipe away, but what a satisficer does is they say, "I want someone who I'm attracted to, who would fit in well with my family, who's kind and loyal, and who I enjoy talking to." And when they find that person, whatever their requirements are, they say, "I found this person. They're great. I'm going to invest in the relationship," and they don't sit there saying, "Who else is out there?" For the hesitator, it's really about how to create action so that you move towards having the identity of being a dater. In my class, the first session is what's your dating tendency and what's your attachment style. I do have a lot of anxiously attached maximizers who take my class, but in general, I think that people come with a whole load of nuanced family background, genetics, histories, etc. and they can be kind of more complicated than just one of these types. My perspective on a profile is that it's really storytelling, and what is the story that you are trying to communicate? Let's make sure we get those points across, then make sure that you're choosing photos and prompt responses that really support that. Another important thing that we found through Hinge research is the importance of variety. So sometimes I'll see a profile and it's a guy wearing a pair of sunglasses taking selfies in front of different monuments around the world, and I'm like, "Dude, we get it. You travel, but I don't see more of you." And so I want a first photo that's kind of like a headshot where I see your face clearly, no filters, no sunglasses. I want at least one photo that's a full body, because people have that question, so you might as well show it. Some activity photos work really well, and then also at least one photo with family and friends, to show us that you have a social life. What's your historical tendency? Do you tend to be a "hitcher," someone who stays in relationships way too long past the expiration date? Or do you tend to be a "ditcher," a person who stays in relationships way too short, always hopping from new relationship energy to the next honeymoon phase? If you have a friend with a good camera or portrait mode, go to the beach at golden hour and have your friend make you laugh and take a picture of you laughing. It shows me what it looks like to be with you and date you, which is so much better than a poorly lit gym selfie. So I work with some people who are way too picky, and our work together is helping them be less picky or less picky about the things that don't matter. Sometimes I work with people who need to be more picky. They go on way too many dates with people who are not interesting or are not interested in them, and so there's an element of which category you tend to fall into. But let's just say that people are being too picky. I would say open up your filters, be willing to date someone who's farther away, be open to dating someone who's a little older or a little younger than you might have, and expand your height filters. I would also say that when you are using the app, sometimes people swipe as if, "Would I marry this person or not?" It should be something like, "Would I be willing to have a conversation with this person or not?" If you have a conversation where somebody asks more questions, they tend to come across more likeable than somebody that makes the same number of statements. Yeah, there's really great research on this. It basically shows that the more questions you ask and the less time you spend talking, the more that person thinks you're a great conversationalist. My entire advice, my antidote to this, is to go after the slow burn. This is the person who might not spark with you on the first date, but the more you go out with them, the more you like them over time. The more you peel back the layers and you realize how funny or curious or brilliant they are. And a lot of people have passed them by because they're not sparky, but you could wind up with this amazing, engaging partner because you were willing to give them that second look. So, there's great research from Gary Lewandowski who talks about "rediscover yourself" activities. These are the things in your relationship that you didn't really pursue because your partner didn't like them. So, if you love going to the beach but your partner was pale skinned, maybe you haven't been. If you love jazz and your partner hated it, you weren't going to jazz shows. Go do more of those "rediscover yourself" activities, and those people seem to move on from breakups and feel happier than people who just go out there and do kind of like generic activities like going for a walk or spending time with friends.You can find more information on Logan Ury below
- Find her on Twitter
- Her website loganury.com
- Get her book here How-Not-Die-Alone-Surprising